Still Waiting

Monday, July 18, 2005

i've got so much inspiration for blogging today that i cant bear to start my BE insights presentation preparation...

i'm got such a bad shoulder ache..hurts alot... sighs.

ok.. to start my story, i shall say how rebellious i was in secondary school. though i may be ashamed to admit some bad points! XD

play com the whole day lor(it still happens now), forgo about my studies, always going to TM with my girlfriends.. spend lots of money and stuff like tt. well. i didnt do housework for my mummy, even though i'm hogging the com non stop.

well.. made my whole family worried for me, that is..

and this attitude continued until i was in JC1... until around june.. my sis told me how disappointed she was in me.. of cos i was sad too, cos the last thing i would ever want is to let my sis give up on me.. i used to envy weitian.. jiatyue.. for having such a strong and friendly relationship with their mum.. used to think that my mum's the naggiest person on earth...

but as i grow up, i learnt that all humans started off the same, with a family, (exceptions not included).. and it's solely up to you whether u wan a happy family or a quarrelsome family.

until june 2005, i realised i need a happy family. cos until then i understand, everyone in the family loves you selflessly, ALWAYS try to give u everything u needed, and my parents slog almost half of their life, just to provide a living for us. they may be sorry they cant provide me with everything i really wanted, but they tried their best, and i'm glad i understood such a reason.

when u get into trouble, they'll be the first to give u a helping hand.. everytime u're lost in the darkness, they're the light that guide u thru everything.. and i mean EVERY SINGLE THING. they're more then just friends, they're ur blood relations. they're unique.

TV dramas always show a family with a rebellious kid, and when a disaster strike, family is always the one whom they turned to, and family is the one whom will always be there, no matter what. but usually it comes with a hard lesson, or a price. and i'm glad i don't need such hard lessons to understand the importance of family.

today's a lvl LC was sad. i almost cried, cos the story says that this girl, who left the house and was rude to her father, got injured while taking care of her neighbour's son.. that happened during a storm and at that moment, she missed her father very much, and suddenly she saw her father running towards her in the dangerous storm just to see if her daughter is alright..

and i thought back of the times my dad always nag at me to becareful of the traffic lights and stuff before i went out... i used to think he was a real pain in the neck, cos such advices are nothing to me already.. but now i know, it's a care and love from my dad. and i'm glad i didnt need a hard lesson like losing him to understand the importance of his naggings.

i love them.

and i'm sorry.. so sorry for all the things i've done to them, and perhaps the hurt i've inflicted upon them..

and now. lets continue the story, now from the angle for friends.

my girlfriends.. g6.. totally sisters, just that we do not have any blood relationship.

there are internal conflicts between some of us, i'm ashamed to say that.

i wonder why.. what are friends for? why cant we forgive and forget like how our family does? why? MOST OF THE TIME... one must reflect on their own MISTAKES, understand them and vow never to repeat them. why put the blame on the person who's trying to help? i dont understand some of them anymore. i'm really really sad and i feel sour over it. not jealousy, but its just an ache that cant subside. i found out that i've been running away.. from all our problems, pretending nothing has really happened.. but i realise.. this will only make all our friendship even more strained..

there's one conflict between hui and tian.. i understand how hui feels. i know deep down, everyone may blame it on tian, but how can anyone control one's emotions? tell me how? love is not something that is in control.. and when it has crossed a person's path, it'll cross another person's path.. love is not destinated. it'a just a matter of time and feelings. once both love collide together, nothing can break them up.. hui may feel sour inside, but i know she'll find someone that is more suitable for her, a mutual love too. and hui has come to terms with it. she may mind it, but she is SENSIBLE enough to not let a love affect a 4 years friendship.

cant you be sensible enough and see what is right and wrong?

i'm tired of your nonsense.. your mindless and sarcastic remarks.. your attitude towards love and friendship.. why cant you ever realise your mistakes, instead of blaming it on others? i really don't understand.

can a friendship.. really be broken by a betrayal? that betrayal may have hurt your heart, but its for your own good. you should have known better then to do such a thing. say other pple betray you.. count for yourself! how many others have u betrayed??? ask your heart. ask your CONSCIENCE.

if blaming others can make you feel better off from your sins, then be it.

i asked myself too. did i consider you as a good friend? do i still look upon you as the old friend you are? i doubt so. will i ever confide in you again? i'm quite sure it's a no.

ask yourself. have you failed as a friend, a girlfriend, or a daughter? or do u think u've succeeded in all? count the number of disappointments we once had. u'll be amazed.

i don't know you anymore. seriously, i don't know how to help you. i don't know how to tell you how i feel, cos i know.. when u know what's my impression of you, you wouldnt be impressed at all. should i break our friendship to wake you up? or should i remain silent and keep our friendship? i'm tired of such a problem.. always surfacing in my mind when we girls go out together.

sighs.

-when are you coming back? ;